Disclosures | Part 2

Although I consider myself fairly wise and always consider the bigger picture... I recently found out I was manipulated by one of my acquaintance for almost two years…based on some confident conversations that turned out not to be of solid grounds… Unfortunately, I had confidence in that person and did not question any possible hidden intentions at the time…maybe because it was a personal subject issue which I did not usually used to tackle and overlook from different perspectives as I used to do with work and dealing with other matters.

It’s not an appealing feeling…being manipulated. However, despite the harm, I am glad it happened; it was a good lesson… The only damaged subject was I, enduring some burden…mostly conscience burden… over a long period of time. It was very agonising in a way, just drawing back over and over and having flash backs of previous behaviours and ‘mistakes’ when it came to decisions and actions towards certain people; people whom I cared about the most.

I never realised or even worth, expected to be as such; only when I decided to unfold and deal or trying to understand ‘unfinished love business’, it was beginning to become clear…and still, not as clear as I desire. Doubt… as if it became an obsession; at this point, I may be still being manipulated, but in a counter direction, an un-harmful direction, possibly for my own benefit. As I confide the matter with the person in question, it was a revelation, and did not have the kind of reaction I expected or was hoping to see. Protection may be the reason for that outcome, self-protection and embarrassment avoidance. After all, it is history, and no matter what were the actions and situations, it is the things I did not do that I regret and not the things I have done… I recall a quotation being shared: “for all the things I never said… I thank you for all the time you understood…” it sounded in its context back then, but giving it another thought by now, it definitely did not serve its purpose since the purpose was targeting an illusive occurrence.

Eventually, I believe I deserve all the pain and agony… this is always the case in living and learning how to live, interact, behave, think… Another thought worth noting… always say what you mean, and mean what you say… otherwise, you would be the victim of your own fibs and tales. Humour previously acknowledged was definitely misused, at least when it came down to these matters; sounds ironic admitting it at this point, especially when reconsidering few of the remarks and recommendations of treasured friends.

Looking back, and at a time where many other things may unfold in the future and others would become clearer, and despite the anguish, it is a quest that would uncover many realities and edify many lessons. It is apparent that the only person who really cared back was the person I hurt the most; no excuses or justifications would defend my behaviour except for blindness, my eyes were open but I could not see, I did not want to see, I did not know what to look for.

I owe myself to dissect this issue to further understand myself, who I am, what I want, what I need… It is an individual journey and expected to be perturbing over bumpy paths. I dunno what to believe and think at this point, and I hope it will be clearer within time, it has to be. Ironically, I am my best friend, helping myself, why do we fall? To watch ourselves pick ourselves up again; when you fall, always fall forward, this way you would have taken a step forward despite the fall.